My husband and I have been married for 5 years. When we met he was a virgin (at 38). He said it was for religious reasons that he's never had sex...which, at first, sounds really sweet....until you realize that he's not a very "religious" person otherwise (cusses a lot, lies quite a bit, rarely goes to church, etc). So that was my first red flag. When we have sex it's always ONLY "missionary position", lights out, no foreplay, and he crawls on top of me, does his business. NO KISSING. NO INTIMACY. NADA. I tried wearing a sexy nightgown for him and he just looks at me like a ten year old and shies away. I've asked him to make sex more enjoyable for me, and he just dismisses me and says "it's not his thing". People have asked me if he's gay? He is a really "manly" kind of man. Very outdoorsy, and doesn't fit any stereotype of "gay"...but everything else about his demeanor is a screaming red flag. Before he and I met he was very close to a man who was very obviously gay, and this man was extremely upset when he learned that we had gotten together...and when I confronted my husband about it he said, "who cares if he's gay, he doesn't act on it, and that's all that matters". WOAH! What does any of this mean? What do I do?
ANSWER: Your husband is as gay as a long summer's day. SUPER. DUPER. CLOSETED. CANNOT COME TO TERMS WITH HIS SEXUALITY GAY.
Lots of men in relationships with women are gay, and they can't deal with it, because it's not as easy for men as it is for women. SUCKS that this is the reality of our world, but it is. What should you do? I have no idea. Here's what I would do however.
1. Make rules for what you want in your relationship and do not deviate. Tell him how important sex is to you, and (more importantly) intimacy. Make sure he understands that you need foreplay, and kissing, and touching...not just fucking.
See if he'll meet you halfway. I mean, if he's truly NOT gay, just sexually shy...he'll be willing to figure this out for you.
2. If he refuses to meet you halfway here...move on.
Sex is a huge part of relationships. And it's not fair to be in a monogamous relationship with someone who doesn't care about your needs. You deserve better. Honestly, so does he.
And IF HE IS GAY, can I please BEG OF YOU to not shame him. Love him through this. Clearly he has some deep seeded issues and needs to be loved through them.