I'm not going to lie, sometimes I scroll through my newsfeed on Facebook and an overwhelming desire to be honest with people overcomes me. When I see something ridiculous, ignorant or just plain stupid I actually sit there and weigh the pros and cons of telling someone the truth.
I really want to tell them how stupid they are but I fear their wrath or perhaps I want to be honest about an opinion but I don't really want to get into a full blown debate on the issue. I think I may spend more time considering what I may or may not do rather than doing anything at all. Am I alone with this? I have no clue.
My Facebook page is a microcosm of the United States as a whole. I have a lot of diverse friends so it causes a lot of randomness to pop up daily. It also causes a lot of arguing to take place. I can post the most benign statement and someone somewhere will argue against me. One time I posted that I was ready for winter to be over and people actually argued with me. How can you even argue how I feel about winter? And more importantly WHY would you?
Regardless, I have contemplated the things that ultimately makes me draw the conclusion that someone in certifiably nuts. So instead of having to tell anyone individually that I think they're crazy, maybe I'll get lucky and they'll just read this blog and come to the conclusion on their own.
How I know you're crazy...here's the top five things that jump out at me online.
1. When you bitch at random people...
An example of this is, earlier on my page I actually saw a post come across my newsfeed that said "stop reading my facebook you stupid bitch, no one gives a shit about your opinion". Um, heavy!
I don't actually know who this person is, much less to whom they're referencing. For the purposes of this blog, I decided to investigate and clicked on the post. Apparently they were fighting with one of their boyfriends exes. Classy!
When you berate people randomly, we not only think you're trashy, we also start to measure the depth of your craziness. Oh and for the record, I personally make a mental note to not engage with you ever. Please, STOP bitching at random people. Instead just do what we all do and delete and ban someone that makes you so angry you want to get all "white trash on their ass". Give it up. Delete, ban, grow up, move on. Publicly fighting with someone on Facebook just makes you look trashy. Seriously! There is NO exception to this, ever!
2. When you post physical wounds...
First of all, EW. Second, I'd like to be your friend that tells you on behalf of all of your other friends that we really truly do not give a shit about your inverted toe nail or your bruise or your bloody finger. I don't even want to elaborate. Just stop. It's gross. Seriously, unless you have a medical miracle that will blow our minds, please just stop being gross.
3. When you post every single mother freaking meal you make.
Seriously? And on top of letting us know what you ate for breakfast, lunch and dinner...you're not even making shit that's impressive. My 11 year old can make biscuits and gravy, a turkey sandwich and hamburger helper. Post shit that makes us wonder if you went to culinary school. You want to impress me? Post some recipe you found on Pinterest and then the final picture that looks JUST LIKE the picture you found. Now that shit is impressive!
However, posting random shit like nachos, when all you did is put Tostitos on a plate and spread grated cheese around and threw that shit in the microwave not only makes me realize how uncreative you are, it also makes me realize how bored you are. I mean at least put some shredded beef and jalapenos on there for me too. Actually scratch that. No one gives a shit. Moving on...
4. When you post half naked pictures of yourself.
For the love of God we get it. You lost 200 pounds, we're impressed. A few pictures in moderation to show off your new impressive body is awesome. Posting half naked pictures of yourself in different bikinis and laying around on your bed is only making me question what you do for a living.
No one actually believes you're suddenly a model. Come on now. Those aint modeling gigs you're Instagramming. And the hundreds of men that comment on those photos are all the same men that have had every STD under the sun. They never care where they park their cars...no matter how creepy the garage looks.
5. When you talk about how f*kn terrible, awful and what a lame ass shi*t head your ex is.
Listen we all have relationships we're glad to no longer be a part of. But when you verbally brutalize your ex publicly online we all really think that THEY'RE the ones that dodged the bullet, not you. When I see people just annihilating their exes I instantly put them in the crazy category. NO ONE sane would do this. NO ONE!
MORE IMPORTANTLY no one sane would blast their "current" spouses or partners either. Listen, I've gotten really pissed at my wife before....like REALLY pissed...and it never dawned on me to go to Facebook and tell anyone what a total douche bag she's being. NEVER ONCE did it cross my mind. Okay, it just did, just now, but that was it.
Plus, we don't care. No one, no matter how much they pretend, actually gives a shit. And we all just think you're white trash for wanting to air your marital problems in a public forum. Go read my Rules to Marriage. THAT'S NOT COOL anyways!
BOTTOM LINE...I know social media is fun. Hell, I blog about everything from politics to my marriage to the Pope to which way the toilet paper should be facing on the roll...but there are still rules that we all instinctually live by. Just be socially graceful. Incorporate some average social skills into your posts.
Stop posting that your day f*kn blows at 9am...we just assume your nuts. I mean hell, you've given up on your day before I've even had a chance to hit my "snooze" button. How about instead start talking about how maybe it started out "not so great" but you took the bull by the horns and steered that sucker in the right direction! Then we can all be proud to know you! Well...proud to "Facebook" know you anyways...
Leave the dialogue about that white trash ex of your exes in your head for your own voices to argue about. Leave a tiny bit of class on the social media table.
And here's the best tip of all....if you really want to post things that are inappropriate, do it through Pinterest posters. That way you didn't "really" say it, you're just "reposting" and then we dont' think you're trashy, we just think you're funny!
And that's how you get away with being trashy, wrong and totally inappropriate....through Pinterest, not Facebook ; 0.
I want to be your friend, truly, I do...I like that you're crazy...it adds a little spice to my life...but you got to check a "tad bit" of your "crazy" at the social media door, please!