I just had a really hilarious (and enlightening) conversation with one of my "straight" girlfriends earlier tonight. As far as I knew, up until about 10 minutes ago, she was happily married to the love of her life. However, as we continued talking she begins to tell me that she's been thinking a lot lately about what it would be like to be with women, instead of men.
Why? Because she assumes it would be easier...better...and "less drama".
If I had a dollar for every woman who told me she's thought of being with other women, I feel like I'd truly be a millionaire at this point...and I tell them all the same thing I'm about to tell you too....
Let me (officially) set the record straight here (no pun intended):
The question is....Is it easier for women to be in relationships with other women?
Well, it's easy for me to answer this question because I'm (technically) bisexual. But I hate labels, (as much as I hate you trying to force my identity into a fucking box that you can understand)...No one's identity should be relegated into mere words.
So...Call it what you need to...however, sexually, I'm attracted to both men and women. I've had many great lovers of both sexes. But here's the thing...the truth is that our sexuality, interestingly, is rarely ever about the sex.
When I think about being in a relationship, I'm not thinking "Who do I want to go to bed with"...I'm thinking, "Who do I want to wake up with"?
So, back to the question:
Yes, there is no question that there's a level of symbiosis that naturally occurs between two women. In many ways it is like your left hand and right hand working together in life. And, obviously, sexually....same sex partners just "know"...what you want...naturally...obviously.
And the natural symbiosis isn't just with sex...You load the dishwasher, I'll naturally come right behind you and unload it. You're having an emotional crisis? I GET IT. I truly DO understand how you're feeling, and know what you need.
HOWEVER...even with all of this, I would NEVER say that being with women is easier, better, and certainly not less drama. Not in a million years...
The truth is that men and women both have different things to offer, and different things to "not" offer.
Many of my straight friends complain that their husbands are despondent, or emotionally unavailable, or never quite seem to really understand them, on a deeper level. And they start day dreaming about what it would be like to be with someone who just "get's them". But the issue is that a FANTASY IS INFINITELY MORE POWERFUL THAN REALTY, and it is incumbent upon us all to decipher the truth for ourselves.
The opposite of your despondent husband isn't some woman who will just always "understand your feelings all of the time, and is there for you". Often times, it's a woman who is too emotional, a woman who responds and reacts to everything WITH emotion, (instead of logic), or takes everything to some deep philosophical level.
You're over there fantasizing about being with someone who is just like you? Um...do you know what happens when two people are reacting in the exact same way? DRAMA. FUCKING. HAPPENS. Thats what happens. Spend a day in a relationship with "some" women, and trust me, you'll be missing your husbands despondent responses to your highly emotionally charged reactions.
Listen, I'm a chick, through and through. And, holy shit balls, I can be emotional. And the LAST thing I need is someone like me, emotionally charged and reactionary in the moment...
The point is....There are pros and cons to both sexes, neither of which outweigh the other. Women are naturally more nurturing, and affectionate (yes)....but men offer you a feeling of "normalcy" and protection and security, in ways that most women can't.
You always give up something to get something else. And in this case, the grass is NEVER greener on the other side of the fence. It's just AS green...but in different places.
This is truly the curse of being bisexual. If you've been with both sexes you can understand the appeal to both. When you're with men, you miss the intimacy, and great sex (that never requires you to "fake it"), and deep seeded friendship. But when you're with women, you miss feeling "normal", or the raw natural connection between opposite sexes.
There is no better or worse. There is only "different".
The truth is that it's never about the sex...or even the symbiosis. It's about what you're willing to stay and work through, grow through, and stay committed to.
The only reason my current relationship works is because we chose to stay when the shit got hard. We learned what the other truly needed, in the all of the difficult moments.
She knows to be logical when I'm emotional. She knows to be affectionate when I'm being unreasonable. She knows to "take a moment apart" when I'm demanding a fight. And, vice versa, I know how to return all of the right reactions to her. All learned through commitment, not because we're "same sex" partners.
But this isn't a "sex" thing. It's a "person" thing. It's a "choosing to work through your issues" thing.
Everyone who is around Ashtyn and I talks about how dynamic our relationship seems. They say they "love the vibe" between us. It's all true. It's amazing. We are amazing together...and the energy is palpable. But none of it came without intense work, and dedication, and commitment to our relationship.
Not ALL of what we have was natural symbiosis. She thought it was adorable that I would unload the dishwasher without her asking but TRUST ME, it's NOT what matters at the end of the day.
We are "us" only because we chose to stay committed to what we BELIEVE we can be, and can have with one another. It's not an emotional reaction to stay together, it's a cognitive decision when things get rough to stay, and grow.
Man or woman. Relationships are about commitment. NOT sex. Not feeling butterflies. Not romance or all of the shit the storybooks tell us.
IT IS ALWAYS GOING TO COME DOWN TO COMMITTMENT.
So, before you go jumping ship into the unknown, please remember, maybe you'll get something from the opposite sex, or someone else, that you're currently not...but that fact won't change with someone else. You'll always be getting something you weren't before, and missing out on other things. THIS IS CALLED LIFE.
Because ultimately NO ONE can be EVERYTHING.
So stop searching outside of yourself for what you should ultimately be giving yourself in the end. Love. Acceptance. Hope. Happiness. Joy. Forgiveness. It all comes from within...no man or woman alive is responsible for any of the above.
RELATIONSHIPS AREN'T ABOUT SEX. THEY'RE ABOUT FINDING SOMEONE YOU WANT TO WORK THROUGH YOUR SHIT WITH.
AND THAT IS THE SEXY TRUTH OF IT ALL...
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