In my previous article, "Are You The Victim, The Rescuer, or The Perpetrator" we discussed the ways to recognize which role you are playing in the perpetual cycle of drama.
Here are the TOP 5 WAYS TO STOP the drama, and heal, and move forward.
1. Recognize that you are in this triangle. Admitting that you have participated in this cyclical drama (knowingly or otherwise) is mandatory. Take some inventory over all of your current relationships!
Are you a "Victim"? Do you act like everything in your life is someone else's fault?
Do you refuse to take responsibility for anything, or everything?
Are you constantly blaming others for things that happen to you?
Do you have a friend or family member who consistently never takes responsibility for their own life or actions, and are you the one who consistently allows them to remain a "Victim"?
Are you acting out from your own insecurities and feelings of inadequacies and choosing to only maintain relationships with people whom you feel are "beneath" you, or less than you, or need your help all of the time?
2. Accept your role, wholly! No matter what role you’ve played, take full responsibility for how you have participated in this, and perhaps do some soul searching as to why.
My brother was a drug addict for the majority of his adult life, and I didn't realize that I was his "Rescuer-Enabler" until the moment I stopped enabling him...And then he quit doing drugs! Seriously!
Many of us in this triangle have no clue we are knee deep in this chaotic reality. I thought I was being "loving" and "forgiving" and "supportive", every single time he needed something, and he had no one but me to turn to. Turns out, I was enabling his addiction. I never gave him money for drugs. I never once told him it was okay to be an addict. But what I DID do is constantly allow him to continue down the path that "nothing" was his fault, and ultimately "it was all okay."
So I had to take a good hard look at why I was being his “Rescuer-Enabler”. What was it about me that allowed this? What was I getting out of it?
I have played all three roles in the Perpetual Cycle of Drama, unknowingly.
I didn't realize I was being a Victim by allowing myself to consistently participate in relationships with people who lacked the capacity to give back to me equally, or reciprocate kindness or compassion, or love in any capacity.
I didn't realize I was being a Rescuer because I had constantly talked myself into the fact that my actions were "selfless", and instead I pretended to be "the hero".
And I certainly didn't realize I was being a Persecutor when I was refusing to let people "show up" and take care of themselves and always trying to control their situations, as if it was some kind of selfless act of love...when it reality it was a selfish act of insecurity on my end.
3. Set new boundaries, and change the rules of the relationship. We teach people how to treat us. There is no exception to this rule! I was in a relationship with a "Victim" and I put my foot down and said, "I recognize this behavior, and accept how I have perpetuated it, but I'm tired, and I'm done."
I no longer accept drama in my life or relationships that exhaust me because I'm not taking responsibility for my role in each of them. Today I am choosing to take responsibility and make necessary changes!
Set new boundaries, and stick to them! Teach everyone how to treat you by letting them watch how you treat yourself!
4. Be strong and do not deviate from your new awareness and fall back into your old role. You can't draw a line in the sand and allow people to cross it, over and over again. Setting a boundary and not sticking to it is worse than if you didn't set one at all.
Saying to someone, "I'm done with your behavior" but then still continuing to accept it, will only make things worse. You will only be disrespected more. You will only be looked at as someone they can walk all over, who doesn't honor their own agreements, and needs, and desires.
Be someone who loves themselves and their life enough to demand reciprocated love and kindness. Choose different!
5. Demand reciprocation and equality. The one single reality about the above-mentioned triangle of anxiety and chaos is that all of these relationships are (for the most part) totally unequal. They are full of one-sided giving, and one-sided taking. The Rescuer is always giving more to the Victim. The Victim is always giving more to the Persecutor . The Persecutor is always giving more to themselves (unless it's an "Unknowing Persecutor ").
And if you're an "Unknowing Persecutor " and actively choose to continue to be so, trust me, you've just turned into the "Victim".
No matter what role you play, if you're in this triangle, then you're not in a healthy relationship. That is for sure!
The way to a happy peaceful life is being surrounded by like-minded, kind, loving, supportive people. You cannot live a positive life with negative people around you. Period. There is no exception to this rule.
I can promise you that Oprah Winfrey and Tony Robbins don't have "Negative" friends they spend their time with, who are always bringing them down with their energy, or allowing them to use them, or that they are using!
So ask yourself what you want your future to look like, and if it's not filled with chaos and perpetual drama, GET OUT of these relationships immediately (or fix them).
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