#1 You no longer care to finish arguments.
When you have reached a point in the relationship when, “right or wrong”, you actually just don’t even care to discuss it any longer. It’s a huge sign that you’ve checked out. Apathy is an obvious indication of a relationship being over. It’s not a choice. True apathy isn’t a cognitive decision. It’s a realization that you truly just don’t care. Perhaps your spouse is pissed at something, or accusing you of something, etc. and your visceral reaction is true indifference. Your marriage is over.
#2 When you stop communicating.
Everyone has to talk to someone at some point. If your spouse isn’t communicating with you, chances are, they are communicating with someone else. When you no longer care to even communicate with someone, your marriage is over.
I see couples all of the time sitting at dinner not talking to one another and I constantly think how sad that would be to be in a relationship where you have nothing to say to one another. How lonely. BUT that’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about the daily communication of life. Where are you? Where are you going? What are you doing? Who are you doing it with? How long will you be gone? Are you safe?
All couples communicate on a very basic level like this and if and when you stop it’s a clear sign your relationship is over.
#3 One spouse is refusing to try.
There’s simply no chance any relationship between two people can work if one of them no longer has a desire to make it work. If you’re in a relationship with someone who is at this point, walk away now and save yourself the trouble. They’re done; it’s over. It’s hard enough when two people are working together, it’s impossible if only one is.
#4 The respect is gone.
When you no longer respect your partner the relationship is over. You can’t build a life with someone you don’t respect. Once you realize you no longer have respect for your spouse you must choose whether or not it is something you could regain. Can you rebuild the lost respect? Will your spouse do what’s necessary to help make that happen? (see rule #3). If not, it’s over. Move on. Respect is paramount and key to a healthy relationship.
#5 No one wants to compromise.
Even in the best of relationships all couples compromise at some point. When you’re with someone who is no longer willing to compromise it is a sign that your relationship is over. No one who truly loved someone would refuse to compromise in a relationship. Compromise is a part of all relationships.
When someone says they’re no longer willing to compromise what they’re actually saying is “I don’t care if you leave me over this”. So you should consider whether or not the uncompromised issue is worthy of walking away for.
#6 When your long-term goals (or dreams) are no longer supported by your partner.
When you have specific goals in life that your partner doesn’t support, whether you realize it in the moment or not, your marriage (or your dream) is over. IF your spouse doesn’t support your dreams you must eventually choose one over the other because you can’t have someone in your corner who isn’t actually IN YOUR CORNER. And you will eventually resent them for not supporting you…IF you do or DON’T “make it”.
#7 When you start talking shit about your spouse.
Every couple on this planet has problems and issues they need to work through, and sometimes we need to vent when we’re frustrated. However there is a huge difference between “venting” and “talking shit”.
I recently spoke to a woman who told me she thinks her husband is a dumbass and he’s never going to do shit with his life. That’s not venting. She went on to tell me about he could never keep a job for more than a year. How he’s such a disappointment and failure in life. This isn’t venting. This relationship is over. No one who truly loved, cared for, or respected their spouse would ever speak of them in this way.
Frustrated? Get it out to a close, trustworthy source. But NEVER ever should you speak about them on this type of level that shows a clear indignant feeling of disrespect. If you can truly speak about your spouse like this, your marriage is definitely over.
#8 When your future seems better without them, not worse.
When you can look at your future and see a better, brighter, more promising, happier, healthier, fuller future without your spouse in it then I think it’s safe to say your marriage is over. But fear not…you’ve just determined that you have a better, brighter, more promising, happier, healthier future ahead of you…that’s awesome with or without them! YAY.
#9 When you no longer trust them.
When you get a point where you truly no longer trust your spouse and you are incapable of rebuilding that trust then it’s safe to say your marriage is over. Lots of couples go through issues where trust is lost in relationships. Breaking down and rebuilding, on many levels, IS part of marriage. However, if you get to a point where that trust cannot be rebuilt, your marriage is over. You can’t possibly be in a healthy, long-lasting relationship with anyone you can’t ultimately trust.
#10 When there is no remorse for wrongdoing.
If you ever get to a point where an obvious “wrong doing” or breach in your relationship isn’t met with remorse your marriage is over. This is the classic “I’m glad I cheated” syndrome. When you’re glad you did something that broke apart your marriage I think it’s safe to say it’s time to pack your bags.
Have anything to add to this blog? Let me know. Have any comments? Let me hear them! ;)
I can't think of anything more ridiculous (and antiquated) than promising to "obey" someone until you die. Kill me now! I also think it's just completely unrealistic to "promise" that through it all, no matter WHAT, you will remain true and faithful forever and ever and ever...
What if your spouse had a sex change? What if your spouse couldn't stop cheating on you? What if your spouse was found molesting children or beating up old people? Would you truly, through thick and thin, stay faithful and committed? No chance! Why would you promise that "no matter what" you'll forever be married to someone! Come on now...those old "vows" are nothing more than a bunch of horse shirt clouded by a lack of judgment and inexperience on that "special day".
As a relationship blogger and author (and someone whose been married for over 7 years) I can assure you there are some "real" vows that will help keep your marriage together, and strong!
1. Vow to listen and understand instead of attempting to “prove a point” or simply win the argument. The truth is that everyone just wants to feel heard. They need to feel as though their feelings are important. Showing your spouse that their words and feelings mean something to you, even if you don't truly understand them, is paramount in all successful relationships.
Here's a fun fact about your relationship you may not realize. IF your spouse keeps bringing up the same argument over and over (and over and over) IT IS ONLY because he/she doesn't feel as though you've "heard" them on the issue.
Want to end the argument? Ask them to explain their feelings and then repeat back what you heard, and then put yourself in their position and empathize with them on an emotional level they will understand.
In 99% of the cases, the argument will end there. Everyone wants to feel "heard"! You don't always have to understand but you must always let them know you care enough to listen!
2. Vow to say "thank you" as often as you can! Remember to truly appreciate your spouse for all of the little things he/she does, not just the big things. It's actually the #1 reason why most people cheat...NOT because they found someone more attractive...NOT because they found someone that makes their heart pitter patter...but because they found someone that appreciates something about them (that you do not acknowledge)! Everyone wants to feel appreciated!!
Never forget to say thank you and appreciate your spouse for all of the little things. It’s the little things that keep our lives together, but more often than not it’s also those little things, when unacknowledged, that also break couples up.
3. Vow to remain friends and have fun together! Always stop in the chaotic moments of life and remember that at the core of it all are two people that fell in love. Most couples forget to spend time together because life happens, kids happen, work happens, obligations happen. Vow to always remember that at the core of it all are two people that fell in love and must remain committed to their love in order to make it all work.
4. Vow to give each other some room to grow. I think one of the number one reasons all couples split up is because they grow apart. Growing TOGETHER is essential in any healthy relationship, and this requires you to allow your partner to grow individually as well.
Usually what happens is one person grows and the other stays stagnant and then the person that grew ends up with someone more on their “level”. Grow individually. Grow together. Just make sure you’re both growing through life, not just “going” through life.
5. Vow to never allow one another to be complacent in life. This is where most couples go wrong. It reminds me of the movie "The Family Man" (with Nick Cage) where he goes back and lives a "family life" instead of a career life and he looks at his wife and says "WHY DID YOU LET ME DO THIS TO MYSELF, I COULD HAVE BEEN AMAZING".
Here's the trick...never let your spouse stop being amazing! Encourage them, push them, refuse to accept their BS excuses as to why they're not bigger or better than before...and always be their #1 supporter!
TRUST ME on this one: IF YOU DO NOT PUSH YOUR SPOUSE and challenge them to be the best human being they can be, they will be extremely vulnerable to the first person that comes into their lives that does this! It's the classic Brad/Jennifer and Brad/Angelina case here.
Brad Pitt left his beautiful wife for someone who challenged him in life.
So many women get stuck on this idea that their husbands only care about how they look. Your husband wants you to push him and challenge him. He wants you to believe in him and expect more from his life!
Do not let your husband or your wife ever become less than their fullest potential! It is probably the most important vow you can make to another human being!
You don't have to love them more than you love yourself....but love them more than you love your insecurities and fears!
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