I just had a really hilarious (and enlightening) conversation with one of my "straight" girlfriends earlier tonight. As far as I knew, up until about 10 minutes ago, she was happily married to the love of her life. However, as we continued talking she begins to tell me that she's been thinking a lot lately about what it would be like to be with women, instead of men.
Why? Because she assumes it would be easier...better...and "less drama".
If I had a dollar for every woman who told me she's thought of being with other women, I feel like I'd truly be a millionaire at this point...and I tell them all the same thing I'm about to tell you too....
Let me (officially) set the record straight here (no pun intended):
The question is....Is it easier for women to be in relationships with other women?
Well, it's easy for me to answer this question because I'm (technically) bisexual. But I hate labels, (as much as I hate you trying to force my identity into a fucking box that you can understand)...No one's identity should be relegated into mere words.
So...Call it what you need to...however, sexually, I'm attracted to both men and women. I've had many great lovers of both sexes. But here's the thing...the truth is that our sexuality, interestingly, is rarely ever about the sex.
When I think about being in a relationship, I'm not thinking "Who do I want to go to bed with"...I'm thinking, "Who do I want to wake up with"?
So, back to the question:
Yes, there is no question that there's a level of symbiosis that naturally occurs between two women. In many ways it is like your left hand and right hand working together in life. And, obviously, sexually....same sex partners just "know"...what you want...naturally...obviously.
And the natural symbiosis isn't just with sex...You load the dishwasher, I'll naturally come right behind you and unload it. You're having an emotional crisis? I GET IT. I truly DO understand how you're feeling, and know what you need.
HOWEVER...even with all of this, I would NEVER say that being with women is easier, better, and certainly not less drama. Not in a million years...
The truth is that men and women both have different things to offer, and different things to "not" offer.
Many of my straight friends complain that their husbands are despondent, or emotionally unavailable, or never quite seem to really understand them, on a deeper level. And they start day dreaming about what it would be like to be with someone who just "get's them". But the issue is that a FANTASY IS INFINITELY MORE POWERFUL THAN REALTY, and it is incumbent upon us all to decipher the truth for ourselves.
The opposite of your despondent husband isn't some woman who will just always "understand your feelings all of the time, and is there for you". Often times, it's a woman who is too emotional, a woman who responds and reacts to everything WITH emotion, (instead of logic), or takes everything to some deep philosophical level.
You're over there fantasizing about being with someone who is just like you? Um...do you know what happens when two people are reacting in the exact same way? DRAMA. FUCKING. HAPPENS. Thats what happens. Spend a day in a relationship with "some" women, and trust me, you'll be missing your husbands despondent responses to your highly emotionally charged reactions.
Listen, I'm a chick, through and through. And, holy shit balls, I can be emotional. And the LAST thing I need is someone like me, emotionally charged and reactionary in the moment...
The point is....There are pros and cons to both sexes, neither of which outweigh the other. Women are naturally more nurturing, and affectionate (yes)....but men offer you a feeling of "normalcy" and protection and security, in ways that most women can't.
You always give up something to get something else. And in this case, the grass is NEVER greener on the other side of the fence. It's just AS green...but in different places.
This is truly the curse of being bisexual. If you've been with both sexes you can understand the appeal to both. When you're with men, you miss the intimacy, and great sex (that never requires you to "fake it"), and deep seeded friendship. But when you're with women, you miss feeling "normal", or the raw natural connection between opposite sexes.
There is no better or worse. There is only "different".
The truth is that it's never about the sex...or even the symbiosis. It's about what you're willing to stay and work through, grow through, and stay committed to.
The only reason my current relationship works is because we chose to stay when the shit got hard. We learned what the other truly needed, in the all of the difficult moments.
She knows to be logical when I'm emotional. She knows to be affectionate when I'm being unreasonable. She knows to "take a moment apart" when I'm demanding a fight. And, vice versa, I know how to return all of the right reactions to her. All learned through commitment, not because we're "same sex" partners.
But this isn't a "sex" thing. It's a "person" thing. It's a "choosing to work through your issues" thing.
Everyone who is around Ashtyn and I talks about how dynamic our relationship seems. They say they "love the vibe" between us. It's all true. It's amazing. We are amazing together...and the energy is palpable. But none of it came without intense work, and dedication, and commitment to our relationship.
Not ALL of what we have was natural symbiosis. She thought it was adorable that I would unload the dishwasher without her asking but TRUST ME, it's NOT what matters at the end of the day.
We are "us" only because we chose to stay committed to what we BELIEVE we can be, and can have with one another. It's not an emotional reaction to stay together, it's a cognitive decision when things get rough to stay, and grow.
Man or woman. Relationships are about commitment. NOT sex. Not feeling butterflies. Not romance or all of the shit the storybooks tell us.
IT IS ALWAYS GOING TO COME DOWN TO COMMITTMENT.
So, before you go jumping ship into the unknown, please remember, maybe you'll get something from the opposite sex, or someone else, that you're currently not...but that fact won't change with someone else. You'll always be getting something you weren't before, and missing out on other things. THIS IS CALLED LIFE.
Because ultimately NO ONE can be EVERYTHING.
So stop searching outside of yourself for what you should ultimately be giving yourself in the end. Love. Acceptance. Hope. Happiness. Joy. Forgiveness. It all comes from within...no man or woman alive is responsible for any of the above.
RELATIONSHIPS AREN'T ABOUT SEX. THEY'RE ABOUT FINDING SOMEONE YOU WANT TO WORK THROUGH YOUR SHIT WITH.
AND THAT IS THE SEXY TRUTH OF IT ALL...
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I have recently learned the secret to dealing with a total narcissist.
The obvious answer, most people would say, is simply "don't". Don't engage with them, ever. But sometimes that's not possible. What if it's your ex husband or wife, or a parent or child, or co-worker you must continue to engage with? Then what?
How do you handle a total narcissist when you don't have a choice but to be in a relationship with one in some capacity?
1. First, understand what you're dealing with here!
I have recently in my life been involved with someone who I have found shockingly frustrating to deal with, on a level that makes me want to scream, and cry, and fucking move to a small island somewhere so I would never have to see them again.
I tried every possible thing imaginable to "deal" with them. I tried constantly giving in to them. Alway being there for them. Giving them everything they asked for, (despite it being in direct conflict of what I personally needed). Always putting them first. Basically I spent years trying to hustle some love and respect from them.
And it wasn't until I realized what I was actually dealing with until I learn how to actually deal with them. Knowledge is power!
Therefore, first of all, it's important to understand that Narcissism is actually a personality disorder. It's not like depression (which can be helped with medicine or therapy). Narcissist do not see the world the same way that non-narcissist do, so dealing with them is extremely difficult!
You're not dealing with someone who sees the world from a collective perspective, balancing all elements of understanding and empathy (as most non-narcissist do). You're dealing with someone who is truly incapable of seeing life outside of themselves.
You cannot reason with them.
You will not change them.
You can't fix them.
And you can't help them see the world differently.
Once you recognize this reality about ALL of them, you can deal with them accordingly!
2. The second step (and probably most important) is to remove ALL elements of control from the relationship.
You must make it abundantly clear that they are no longer able to control you, in any capacity!
Look around at all of their close personal relationships (if they have any). There's one single common denominator you'll probably notice within them all.... which is that they are in control of them all.
Narcissists are calculated in ways you don't realize. They would never have entered a relationship with you unless they realized they could control you to some degree.
Therefore, the core of your relationship has been built on their ability to be controlled, and not a mutual understanding for respect, love, kindness, empathy, or shared perspective on life. You must remove their ability to control you.
3. Stop trying to change them (or their point of view).
It's not possible for you to change them anyway. In order for someone to change they must be willing to consider the reality that they need to change, and narcissist aren't even capable of this type of understanding at all.
And, as a non-narcissist, you think your job is to help them see things from a different perspective, but the truth is that they are totally incapable of it (hence the personally disorder)!
I have literally cried tears. Screamed tears of frustration as they're falling down my face because I so badly wanted them to see my perspective.
Stop the madness. It's never going to happen.
Self preserve. Move on.
4. Stop reacting to them.
Reactions are power. Reactions from you mean they still have control over you!! Take the reaction away, immediately! And be aware, that once you take the control away they will go down kicking and screaming (and often lying and manipulating in any way pisssible to get a reaction from you). It's actually comical to look back and see the things "my narcissist" said to me in order to get a reaction from me. They'll do anything to get you to respond to them. Any fucking thing!!!
At all costs necessary....Walk away. Don't engage. Block them from your cell or email if necessary, and set up extremely clear boundaries for communication (and NEVER deviate from them).
Once they realize they can't control you, they will then turn on you...and create some new reality in their mind that they were the victim in your relationship. This is classic narcissist behavior.
Don't give in to it. Remember, you will never be able to change their minds or attitudes or behaviors.
5. Set up very clear boundaries, that YOU control!
Put parameters around how you are willing to communicate with this person. I would say to "my narcissist", "The first time you send me a text with any negative comments about myself, my life or my partner, I will block you from being able to text me, and you can email me from that point forward. If at any point that email is also full of negative comments, I will delete it immediately block you from my email. And the only other form of communication you will be allowed to have with me is literally writing me a letter and mailing it to me. This way I'll know you had thoughtful consideration of your words. I do not care to hear your manipulative, controlling tactics. Speak to me with kindness and respect, or I will not engage with you in any capacity".
Trust me when I tell you, this didn't go over well. This person went down fighting. Threatening to "take me down", "sue me", "tell the world how awful I am", "ruin my life", etc.
And when I still didn't respond...the last message I received was, "I'm capable of anything, probably even killing them because I'm such an awful human being". I just laughed out loud when I received it because I realized how desperate this person was to get a reaction from me.
The next step for all narcissist is to play the victim in the end, so they go down "controlling" the last part of the story with you.
It's ALL about CONTROL.
Let them say what they want. Do what they want. Threaten all they want.
Let's be honest here. The best thing you can do for yourself at this point is by looking back and recognizing your own culpability in how you got there.
You gave up control, it's not like they just took it without your permission.
Don't be a victim yourself. Take responsibility and learn from your mistake!
And the second you can wholly break away from this relationship. DO IT. And never, ever, again, ignore the red flags that we all admittedly saw when entering into these relationships.
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