The idea of dating sounds so fun to most married people. Most of us have this fantasy idea that you're out living this carefree, obligation free, duty free, responsibility free, super fun life...meeting new people here and there and just jet setting around the world, going from one wild and fun adventure to the next.
We all know that's rarely (if ever) the case. Just like all of you single people imagine that being married is going to look like your favorite romance movie. Ya...okay...let me know how that works out for ya. Blah Blah Blah, perhaps we're all just a little nuts.
We have a lot of single friends and listen to their dating stories ALL of the time. I told one friend, that finds most of her dates on match.com, that she needs to start a dating blog and write about all of her experiences. Her stories are freaking hilarious....like slap your knee, laugh out loud, jaw dropping comedy!
Anytime she goes out with someone from "Match" I demand that she tells me all of the juicy details...it's always pure comedy. One guy asked if they could split the check, and then asked if she could front him his half of the bill lolol (omg). One guy asked in the middle of dinner if he would be getting laid later? One guy started crying.
But then on the flip side, even though she's super fun, really pretty and very financially stable...she's NEEDY and comes across needy on every date and men pick up on this immediately...and always get scared away. I tell her all of the time she has to hide her "crazy" until at least date 5, lol but she can't resist.
She just that cra cra lol
WHICH LEADS TO THE PURPOSE OF THIS BLOG: VERY FEW PEOPLE KNOW HOW TO DATE.
I didn't get married until I was 34 so I got the single thing down and the dating scene figured out. Here's some tips for ya that I learned along the way!
1. If you're feeling desperate to get married (or settle down), you're a bad dater!
This was me at first. I wanted to settle down so bad that I was constantly trying to fit square pegs into round holes. I had an uncanny ability to disregard people's weirdness, or our extreme differences, and dismiss the idea that 98% of things didn't fit...that 2% was enough for me because the end all goal was just "being with someone".
The problem with this is that it causes many wasted months or years on the wrong person. The truth is that every day you spend with the wrong person is just one more day you won't be spending with the right one.
If your end goal is marriage, you're probably doing what I did and trying to push things to fit. Listen to me, when it fits, it fits! If it works, it works naturally. There is a level of things just "falling into place" that happens when you have found "your person".
Desperate people do desperate things. You cannot be dating and feel desperate, it only leads to bad decisions!
We often see people for who we want them to be and not for who they are. Be honest with yourself.
2. If you don't know how to turn people down correctly, you're a bad dater.
If you don't know how to be honest with a stranger, you probably don't know how to be honest with yourself and therefore incapable of being honest with your future spouse and ultimately not ready for marriage anyways.
Stop putting up with shit RIGHT NOW. If I were on a date (like my friend) and some dude asked me if I could "cover his bill", I would instantly walk over to the waitress, pay for my half and leave! If I were on a date and some guy asked "whens the sex"....answer is a resounding NEVER, walk away.
Someone told me that during dinner her date asked her if she wanted to go back to his apartment and play video games? WTH. They're both in their 40's.
See, this is the problem. The answer to this is "you can't be serious, you're in your 40's and you think a way to "court me" is through video games? That alone tells me everything I need to know about you". WALK AWAY.
Women and men both need to learn how to instantly recognize when someone ISN'T for them and learn to be honest and walk away. NOT MEAN, just honest!
But my friend didn't want to seem like "she wasn't fun, so she did...and it was childish, boring and awkward". She had to lie about a friend "needing her all of the sudden" to get our of there. Listen to me, it's okay to seem "not fun" if what you're doing isn't fun! Don't be bullied on a date into doing something you don't want to do. Be honest.
"Honestly, I'm not totally into video games, that's cool that you are, I'm going to go ahead and go home." That's your response. It's decisive and tells someone "I know what I want in life...and...THIS isn't it".
3. If you talk about any of your exes on your first date, you're a bad dater (and probably not ready to be dating at all).
It's okay to talk about your dating experiences if they're funny stories but talking about long term relationship exes and sharing passionate anger or sadness is weird and awkward and "please stop talking".
If you're on date 1-3 and anyone brings up an ex more than once, LEAVE! They're not ready to be dating you, you're the rebound, they're just trying to clear their mind and using you as the pawn to do it.
Walk away! Don't waste another second of your life!
4. If you're holding out for that "perfect" person and you're not "perfect" yourself, you're a bad dater (and a little nuts).
You attract who you are and what you have to offer.
It's so funny to me how all of these ditzy, dingy women wish they had some handsome, wildly successful, intelligent, cultivated man to share their lives with. You're going to get back something that's tantamount to who you are or what you have to offer, period! There's rarely exceptions to this rule!
Men that are successful but dumb, want women that are submissive and uneducated. Men that are wildly successful in their own right, cultivated and intelligent are looking for their equal match.
Not all successful people demand to be with someone else that's equally successful, that's not what I'm saying, I'm saying you still have something equally valuable to bring to the table! He's a CEO and you're a gorgeous woman that knows how to have and raise kids, keep a house in order and manage a family, those are ALL equal jobs!
She owns her own successful business and, sure, you don't BUT you're financially stable, maybe own your own home (or at least have one that you keep clean), have stable friends and a stable job and life and like to bring out the fun in people....she will appreciate the value you bring into the relationship.
My wife is as equally stable as I am fun. We have very little traits that are exactly alike but we are evenly matched up in all ways.
Listen to me women: A good man is looking to see what you have to bring to the table...it doesn't have to be matched by his abilities, talents or successes, it just needs to be equally valuable!
The moral to the story is that you should BE who you want to BE WITH!
You can't be out of shape and lazy and expect to attract some totally healthy, gorgeous man. If he clearly cares about how he looks, he cares about how you look too.
You don't have to be college educated but you can't be stupid and uninformed in the world and expect to attract some Rhodes scholar, not going to happen, ever!
You can't be needy and expect to attract someone that's stable.
You can't be angry and expect to attract someone that's peaceful and happy.
You can't be mentally unstable and emotionally wrecked and expect to attract someone that's calm, collected and well put together.
Shall I go on...? You get it right?
5. If you're having sex before monogamy, you're a bad dater!
Let's be honest, most men are just looking for any ole garage to park their cars in. If you're a woman and you just met the man of your dreams and you think that "giving it up for him" is what's going to keep him, YOU COULDN'T BE ANY FARTHER FROM THE TRUTH.
Men aren't looking to marry their whores. Sounds harsh, I know, but it's true. They're looking for someone that challenges them. THEY ARE ALL HUNTERS! There are very few exceptions to this rule! MEN. ARE. HUNTERS.
It's also the crux of our book that's coming out this summer, "How To Catch and Keep A Worthy Man".
Yes, they'll rarely (if ever) dismiss your sexual advances but the minute you give it up, they've conquered you! And if they've conquered you without so much as the slightest challenge...."NEXT NEXT NEXT" is what they're thinking!
I sat at a bar once and heard this chick say "I don't know what his problem is, he calls me and wants me to come over for sex and I do, every time. I even do his laundry afterwards for him and clean his house and he will NOT commit to me".
OMG OMG OMG Do you really think it makes him like you more that you dropped everything for sex with him? NO, it makes him USE YOU MORE, NOT LIKE YOU MORE...know the difference.
The woman that this man ends up marrying will be the first woman that says "you can't be serious...after your laundry is done and your house is clean call me, I'll think about it then". THIS woman is the challenge he is looking for.
SO you have to decide are you going to be the sex slave or the respected wife? Truly the decision is ALL yours!
On the flip side, most women are also looking for a challenge to now. It's one of the things that made me fall madly in love with my spouse. It was one of the biggest challenges of my life. Truly only crazy needy people are looking for someone to instantly drool all over them, all day every day. Are you crazy?
Loneliness is a strong feeling...but you know what a stronger feeling is? REGRET!
The truth is that the people that have the most successful relationships are the people that ended up finding each other when they least expected it. That's ultimately what ended up happening to me.
I finally said "I'm sick of dating and I'm going to focus on me and only me". And I did just that, and worked on my career, traveled with friends, felt happy to be single...and then in the middle of all of that wholeness and happiness and fun; I met my wife!
Take a quick inventory of your life right now; are you truly ready to meet your spouse right now?
JUST THINK ABOUT THAT. If your "person" that's out there waiting for you, walked into your life today, would you be embarrassed, (wishing you had worked on yourself and your life a little more) or would be happy and ready for love?
Not being ready to meet your spouse is often times what leads to separation and divorce even if you DO end up meeting them. They won't make you whole, they'll fill the void of loneliness but they won't make you any happier than you're capable of on your own.
One day, you're going to be at a dinner party and a friend of a friends will be invited, someone you've never heard of or knew of before, and you two will catch eyes, lock into each other's radars and you'll know in a moment's notice that THERE is your person. There they are...
BE READY for this moment. Don't PUSH it, don't force it, don't pretend it's happening when it's not. Don't act desperate for it, don't be fixated on it. Just know it's going to happen and in the meantime, it's ALL ABOUT YOU!
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By the way, I just saw this guy on TV discussing sex and women -
He's with a sex/dating therapist on Bravo TV talking about women.
5 second explanation of how MOST men feel. He is the RULE here ladies!!
He admits he would NOT marry a woman that gave him sex on the first 1-6 dates BUT he's still always going to try and push for it! Now that, is honesty!
I'm not going to lie, sometimes I scroll through my newsfeed on Facebook and an overwhelming desire to be honest with people overcomes me. When I see something ridiculous, ignorant or just plain stupid I actually sit there and weigh the pros and cons of telling someone the truth.
I really want to tell them how stupid they are but I fear their wrath or perhaps I want to be honest about an opinion but I don't really want to get into a full blown debate on the issue. I think I may spend more time considering what I may or may not do rather than doing anything at all. Am I alone with this? I have no clue.
My Facebook page is a microcosm of the United States as a whole. I have a lot of diverse friends so it causes a lot of randomness to pop up daily. It also causes a lot of arguing to take place. I can post the most benign statement and someone somewhere will argue against me. One time I posted that I was ready for winter to be over and people actually argued with me. How can you even argue how I feel about winter? And more importantly WHY would you?
Regardless, I have contemplated the things that ultimately makes me draw the conclusion that someone in certifiably nuts. So instead of having to tell anyone individually that I think they're crazy, maybe I'll get lucky and they'll just read this blog and come to the conclusion on their own.
How I know you're crazy...here's the top five things that jump out at me online.
1. When you bitch at random people...
An example of this is, earlier on my page I actually saw a post come across my newsfeed that said "stop reading my facebook you stupid bitch, no one gives a shit about your opinion". Um, heavy!
I don't actually know who this person is, much less to whom they're referencing. For the purposes of this blog, I decided to investigate and clicked on the post. Apparently they were fighting with one of their boyfriends exes. Classy!
When you berate people randomly, we not only think you're trashy, we also start to measure the depth of your craziness. Oh and for the record, I personally make a mental note to not engage with you ever. Please, STOP bitching at random people. Instead just do what we all do and delete and ban someone that makes you so angry you want to get all "white trash on their ass". Give it up. Delete, ban, grow up, move on. Publicly fighting with someone on Facebook just makes you look trashy. Seriously! There is NO exception to this, ever!
2. When you post physical wounds...
First of all, EW. Second, I'd like to be your friend that tells you on behalf of all of your other friends that we really truly do not give a shit about your inverted toe nail or your bruise or your bloody finger. I don't even want to elaborate. Just stop. It's gross. Seriously, unless you have a medical miracle that will blow our minds, please just stop being gross.
3. When you post every single mother freaking meal you make.
Seriously? And on top of letting us know what you ate for breakfast, lunch and dinner...you're not even making shit that's impressive. My 11 year old can make biscuits and gravy, a turkey sandwich and hamburger helper. Post shit that makes us wonder if you went to culinary school. You want to impress me? Post some recipe you found on Pinterest and then the final picture that looks JUST LIKE the picture you found. Now that shit is impressive!
However, posting random shit like nachos, when all you did is put Tostitos on a plate and spread grated cheese around and threw that shit in the microwave not only makes me realize how uncreative you are, it also makes me realize how bored you are. I mean at least put some shredded beef and jalapenos on there for me too. Actually scratch that. No one gives a shit. Moving on...
4. When you post half naked pictures of yourself.
For the love of God we get it. You lost 200 pounds, we're impressed. A few pictures in moderation to show off your new impressive body is awesome. Posting half naked pictures of yourself in different bikinis and laying around on your bed is only making me question what you do for a living.
No one actually believes you're suddenly a model. Come on now. Those aint modeling gigs you're Instagramming. And the hundreds of men that comment on those photos are all the same men that have had every STD under the sun. They never care where they park their cars...no matter how creepy the garage looks.
5. When you talk about how f*kn terrible, awful and what a lame ass shi*t head your ex is.
Listen we all have relationships we're glad to no longer be a part of. But when you verbally brutalize your ex publicly online we all really think that THEY'RE the ones that dodged the bullet, not you. When I see people just annihilating their exes I instantly put them in the crazy category. NO ONE sane would do this. NO ONE!
MORE IMPORTANTLY no one sane would blast their "current" spouses or partners either. Listen, I've gotten really pissed at my wife before....like REALLY pissed...and it never dawned on me to go to Facebook and tell anyone what a total douche bag she's being. NEVER ONCE did it cross my mind. Okay, it just did, just now, but that was it.
Plus, we don't care. No one, no matter how much they pretend, actually gives a shit. And we all just think you're white trash for wanting to air your marital problems in a public forum. Go read my Rules to Marriage. THAT'S NOT COOL anyways!
BOTTOM LINE...I know social media is fun. Hell, I blog about everything from politics to my marriage to the Pope to which way the toilet paper should be facing on the roll...but there are still rules that we all instinctually live by. Just be socially graceful. Incorporate some average social skills into your posts.
Stop posting that your day f*kn blows at 9am...we just assume your nuts. I mean hell, you've given up on your day before I've even had a chance to hit my "snooze" button. How about instead start talking about how maybe it started out "not so great" but you took the bull by the horns and steered that sucker in the right direction! Then we can all be proud to know you! Well...proud to "Facebook" know you anyways...
Leave the dialogue about that white trash ex of your exes in your head for your own voices to argue about. Leave a tiny bit of class on the social media table.
And here's the best tip of all....if you really want to post things that are inappropriate, do it through Pinterest posters. That way you didn't "really" say it, you're just "reposting" and then we dont' think you're trashy, we just think you're funny!
And that's how you get away with being trashy, wrong and totally inappropriate....through Pinterest, not Facebook ; 0.
I want to be your friend, truly, I do...I like that you're crazy...it adds a little spice to my life...but you got to check a "tad bit" of your "crazy" at the social media door, please!