Are You Tired Of The Struggle? Top 5 Ways To Get Your Life Back In Alignment, After Another Devastating Blow. By Kristy Sinsara
I get it. Trust me... I. GET. IT.
I've been there. Many times over. I've been in that space where you're just wondering what the fuck happened to your life? How did things get so bad? How did you get into "this" situation...again? How did you end up in that relationship, with that shitty job, in this crappy situation...or lonely...again?
It's always the "again" part that gets us every time.
They say, "The first cut is the deepest"? I disagree. For me, it feels like that 2nd and 10th and 25th cut is the deepest. You're pouring salt over an open wound by this point so of course it's going to hurt the worse, right? And self inflicted pain always hurts worse too, which is exactly what a cyclical problem feels like...self induced trauma.
So if you ever find yourself in (another) fucked up situation that's gotten you down in life, or somehow brought you to your knees (again)...here's my top 5 list of what to focus on to get your head of the negative energy, and life back in alignment.
Rule #1. Perspective. Understand that whatever the fuck you're going through is only temporary. This is only a moment. Most people fall into depression, and the shitty "moments" end up lasting a life time because they refuse to allow it to"only be a moment". I mean, you're allowed to be dramatic for a minute...but not so dramatic that you refuse to move forward.
Be hurt. Fall to your knees. Scream, "Why meeeeeeee". Blah Blah. Throw your fist to the skies (as if this were all God's fault). Do whatever you do when you feel shitty...but then let that shit go.
He left you. You got fired. Something happened that wasn't fair. She cheated on you. They hurt you. It's all life dude...we've all been there and done that. And the only way people like me get ahead while other's stay behind is because I'm able to immediately put myself in check and say, "Okay...enough. Time to move on."
This is life. Stop being so dramatic. People leave. People cheat. People hurt. People fail. People fuck up. One of my friends got divorced like 3 years ago and I swear to God if you talked to her you'd think her husband just left yesterday. And I'm like, "Jesus Christ woman...at some point you're going to have to realize that you've actually hurt yourself far worse now than he ever did".
Life is hard. Refusing to move forward actually makes it much harder!
Rule #2. Stop judging the situation so much. There are no accidents in the Universe. I get that something didn't go "as planned", but trust me, that doesn't mean it didn't go as it was supposed to. There's a HUGE difference between YOUR plan (with your limited human capacity of thinking), and your LIFE plan...
Long before your soul descended to earth you agreed to be willing to put yourself in any situation needed to bring you back to wholeness, to truth, to love, to light, and into alignment with your divine nature. "Him leaving" was actually YOUR plan. You manifested it. You conjured up this entire scenario for your own personal growth. So....Dude, get a grip. Take some control and power back and say, "Hell yeah it was"...and go on with your big bad self.
And tell yourself anytime something happens that you didn't expect that just because it wasn't YOUR expectation doesn't mean it wasn't right for you!
Rule #3. (For the love of God)...Learn your lesson. GROW through life, don't just GO through it. If you refuse to learn the lesson at hand each and every time you fall to your knees...you will find yourself back on your knees feeling the same way.
You will manifest the same shit with another person, over and over and over, until you are finally awakened to truth.
It is your responsibility to take all of these things and GROW form them, grow because of them, through them and with them.
Life lessons aren't like public school, where if you fail you get to still pass and move on to the next grade. Nope. The Universe is a killer Private Education Provider and it will NOT let you pass until you have learned the lesson at hand.
So while you're laying there wallowing around your bathroom floor, with mascara running down your face wondering "why did this happen"...if you truly don't ever want to feel this way again, than literally ANSWER THE QUESTION...don't just ask it!
Why did this happen, what was I to learn from this, how was I responsible for getting myself into this (again), and what can I learn from it to make sure I stop manifesting this kind of fresh horse shit in my life.
Oh, and PS on the "life lesson here". If you think you're always a victim in every scenario, you should grow up and start taking some responsibility for your actions. No one is "always" a victim. Literally. No. One.
Oh and (PSS), if you really want to grow (like on epic proportions), than be GRATEFUL that it happened, maybe even write your ex a letter of gratitude for offering you some great perspective, life challenge, growth opportunity, etc...and truly feel the gratitude for being willing to finally have an opportunity to shut the door on this kind of shit in your life and MOVE. ON.
Rule #4. Make a plan. Give yourself a specific time period to grieve, be pissed, stay down, be annoyingly sad, or pathetically purposeless...but then stick to your plan and move on.
I'm not kidding here people, if you're going through some kind of epic fresh horse shit right now, write on a calendar RIGHT NOW, the date you promise to get off of your knees and back on your feet, and participating in your life again. Say, "I am going to give myself until Friday of next week to finish with this bullshit drama inside of me...and then I'm moving the fuck on in life".
You have to be better to yourself than anyone else is. If someone treated you badly and you're hurt over it...it's okay to be hurt (we're all human beings right now) but it's not okay to stay hurt (because technically we're spiritual beings just having a human experience).
It's okay to BE hurt.
It's not okay to STAY hurt.
It's okay to BE hurt.
It's not okay to STAY hurt.
It's okay to BE hurt.
It's not okay to STAY hurt.
Rule #5. Change your life. Change your daily routines. After a breakup I like to make it a point to completely change up my daily routine, to a point that my life seems unrecognizable from before.
Take my 30 day challenge if you're going through something difficult and, AFTER YOUR CALENDARED day to move on, then promise yourself to do one single thing different than you've ever done before in your life, for 30 solid days.
Go to a new church. Meet new friends. Eat at new restaurants. Go to a play you've never seen. Take a voice lesson. Record a song. Help someone. Volunteer. It doesn't matter what you do...just do something different for 30 solid days (every day). And yes, every day needs to be something new. Like you can't sit and play the piano every day for 30 days...you have to do something new every day for 30 days.
Trust me...it changes your energy. And that energy change will change your perspective, and that perspective change will change your life.
If you're willing to change the way you see things, then what you see will also change!
Lastly, be brave. Be courageous. Be better to yourself than anyone has ever been to you. Be wild and free. Be willing to change. Be willing to do something you've never done, and desire to become someone you've never been.
LOVE THIS ARTICLE?
Please spread the kindness and share it on Facebook!
I have to tell you...I originally wrote this blog on 5.21.14...and then just today (December 23, 2017) I re-read it, and I thought, "Wow, I wouldn't write any of this anymore". It's amazing how much I've changed. To read this actually reminded me of how much I needed this to happen in my life...
I've changed so much since my brother's death that his death now holds such meaningful and significant purpose in my life that I feel grateful that he played this role for me.
So I'm going to re-write this blog for you, from a much more GROWTH ORIENTED, and less painful position.
THE FIVE RULES TO GRIEVING, by Kristy Sinsara
Instantly recognize that there's a HUGE difference between grieving the loss of a relationship due to death, and that person no longer being physically present in your life....AND your own personal issues that you may have had throughout your relationship with this person.
I was sad beyond sad (It's stupid to even use the stupid word sad because "sad" doesn't describe at all how I felt)...but I was also broken internally because I had so much guilt, and anger, and loss over so many things that happened between my brother and I while he was alive.
When Scott died I was instantly dealing with this death...but I also know how that his death exponentially accelerated the growth that needed to happen with my issues about his life with me. I wasn't JUST dealing with this death when he died...I was suddenly forced to deal with all of the issues surrounding his life as well, and our life together.
And let me tell you, if you haven't done your work with someone BEFORE they died...it gets harder to deal with after! Not easier!
So it's important that you recognize that you're not just grieving, you're also growing and being forced to deal with things you've probably been sweeping under the rug your whole life. Make sure you differentiate the two.
Don't listen to people and their stupid shit they say to you when people die. It's annoying. It's irritating, and it's debilitating! One person said ONE SINGLE thing to me that I actually found healing...an older gentleman walked into my office after Scott died and he said, "I heard your brother died. That sucks. My brother died 30 years ago and you know what? I'm still grieving. Best piece of advice for you kid is to just let yourself be sad when you need to feel sad. Everyone kept trying to get me to stop being sad and I couldn't understand why. There will always be a part of you that's sad, but eventually you learn to cope and move on in a different way. Don't fight the sadness".
There are no accidents in the Universe. You must understand that EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON! I know it's hard to hear, but it's true! And much like my blog post above this one, you also have to understand that YOU called this forth long before your soul descended here. I know, especially for those whose deaths are so unexpected, that it's a hard transition for us still here on planet earth...but it IS okay.
Death is a step up in consciousness. It's a transition. It's NOT the end. It's the beginning of something else, for them, and for you.
We all transition. We all leave this planet. And we all take new form.
Learn to be grateful for their life, and stop fixating on their death. This is probably one of the most important life lessons of all here...to stop getting fixated on what you perceive to be the "negative" or the "wrong". Focus and fixate on the "right" and the "positive".
I am SO glad, and feel so grateful that OF ALL THE BROTHERS IN ALL THE WORLD HE CAME TO ME. He lived with me. And he died for me too. Long before our souls descended upon this planet together we made this pact together...to do this FOR each other.
Don't let their deaths be in vain. Let them mean something to you...and let that legacy not just be a life long prison of pain and sadness. Your loved one would never want that for you. They aren't looking down at you here on earth grateful that you refuse to move on.
Be better because of this.
Be stronger because of this.
Be more kind, more compassionate, more giving and loving, and far more aware of time...and life...and loved ones, all because of this!
LOVE THIS ARTICLE?
Please share it on Facebook!
The truth is that "life" happens to us all. The difference isn't WHAT happens to us as much as it is HOW we handle it all, as it comes our way...
The bigger truth is that the more successful people have mastered the mind and learned to think, feel and "act" independent of circumstances and stay strong, "truck through" and "stay on track" despite what's happening around them, or even "to" them.
Here's some things I've discovered that truly successful people wake up and tell themselves, or other people.
1. Good morning.
Did you know that happy people say "good morning" more often than unhappy people? Do you ever say "good morning", out loud? Try it, not just to people in your home, but as often as you can once you leave the house!
Saying "good morning", out loud, to as many people as possible, creates positive energy... and what better way to start your day than through spreading positive energy. LIFE is an echo. What we put out, we all get back.
2. I own today!
When did we lose sight of the fact that we are in control? Why have we convinced ourselves it's easier to be a victim in life? Stop pretending like you keep falling into bad days...when the truth is that you keep CHOOSING to have bad days!
Sure, you have no control over what happens to you, but you have 100%, absolute control over how you respond to it. You get to choose whether or not it puts you in a bad mood or good mood. So, just choose better! YOU own today!
3. Everything works together for my good.
Successful people have an innate belief that the universe is conspiring FOR them, not against them. They believe wholeheartedly that all things work together for their good. Thoughts become things...thoughts become things...
Successful people believe in the law of attraction...what are you attracting?
4. Thank you!
The truth is that those who say "thank you" will always have the most to say thank you for. When I was depressed and lonely and in a very dark place, one of the first things I did to pull myself up was I started to say "thank you" as much as I could, for anything I could think to say "thank you" for. AND it's true...it is a FACT of life that the universe opened up to me and gave me more and more and more things to say thank you for. It was so cool to see it unfolding for me...so I pass along this miracle of life the echos for us all.
Say thank you, live in gratitude and your life will open up in ways you never thought imaginable.
5. You're incredible, how can I help you?
I am pretty sure this is not coincidental that truly successful human beings in life seem to praise others, a lot, AND try and help others too. Successful people aren't selfish by nature. They are kind and helpful.
The best way to get what you want in life is to help others get what they need.
So today instead of thinking about what all is about to "happen to you", think instead of how you are about to take control over it all and make it your own!
Good morning to me. Today is my day. Today I'm going to learn something I haven't learned before. I'm going to choose to let things happen around me, without changing what happens inside of me. Today I'm going to let the chips fall where they may, and know it's all working together for my good. Thank you for that. Today I'm going to help someone. I'm going to spread so much love and joy that I will collect as many "thank you's" as I can all day long. Today is going to be amazing...and even though a bunch of stuff will happen that will try and change my mind, or get me off track...it will NOT change, because I'm in control. I'm so freaking excited about this day I'm about to have. New adventures...thoughts become things...THANK YOU!
Love this blog? Share it on Facebook.
Want to read more? My new book: FORTY LIFE LESSONS I LEARNED BEFORE 40 will be out in mid April. Watch for it on Amazon.com.
Top Five Reasons Why You Should Only Surround Yourself With Happy, Successful People, by Kristy Sinsara
Before reading this article you should really stop for a moment and consider what it means to you to be "happy" and "successful". Funny thing is that most people say they want both, and spend their lives chasing both, but never even stop to consider what it means to them, personally, to be happy or successful.
Happiness and success are two words that are defined differently by us all. For me, happy people are people that always try and see the good in things around them. Happy people are people that take life's lemons and make EVERYONE lemonade, without any prompting or pushing. Happy people are just...well...HAPPY, smiling, laughing a lot, joking around, easy going, "let the chips fall where they may" kind of folks.
Success to me isn't about money. I've had six figure incomes. I've had prestigious jobs. I've built three separate companies in my lifetime that I've franchised out or sold off. I've been "financially" rewarded yet completely unfulfilled before. Trust me when I tell you that money does NOT buy happiness OR success, or fulfillment or passion....
Success to me means I'm doing what I'm most passionate about in life, and making an acceptable living (by my standards) doing it. I'm most passionate about writing, speaking, and helping others. I'm currently making a living as a writer, a public speaker and a social media consultant, so I'm personally feeling successful!
But I've been at the bottom of this professional ladder I'm currently climbing and I'd like to share with you some things I've noticed along the upward climb!
1. If you don't surround yourself with happy people, you're going to be fighting needless battles.
I'm always trying to explain to people that "thoughts become things"...but really what I mean by this is that thoughts turn into feelings (which is energy) and that energy becomes "things". Happiness is strong energy! Unfortunately, so is negativity and sadness. On my climb up the ladder of success I noticed my "not so happy" friends constantly making little "snide" remarks to me about my success.
The people in my life that aren't happy for me all have one common denominator...they aren't happy with themselves either! Often times they don't realize how deeply unhappy they are, and they don't realize the negative impact they can have on your life...negativity is a very strong energy force...do NOT let it in, especially why you're climbing UP. Just imagine you're trying to climb and there's a negative force trying to push you back...THAT is your negative friends. LET THEM GO. Trust me on this. Some day they will hopefully find happiness on their own, and when they do, you'll be the first person they seek out in life.
It's all good.
2. It makes some people feel "less than" when you are "more than".
It's true. It's just human nature that when you're just happy and talking about all of the things you have, or are getting, or getting to be, or acquiring (if even through extreme hard work and dedication) it only reminds people of what they don't have.
You should surround yourself with people that are successful so that when you are finding success you get to live in a feeling of gratitude more frequently. Surround yourself with people that have MORE than you, as much as you can. Think about how infrequently you brag, when surrounded by "not so successful" friends. Think about the difference in their attitudes back to you.
I have two friends on opposite ends of the spectrum here. One is extremely successful the other is a lonely, bored, negative housewife that sits around and gossips all day.
When the successful friend found out that my book was finally published and available she flipped out with excitement for me. "how can I help you get more sales" - she asked. "I'm so proud of you, what can I do for you, this is incredible"...was her response.
My other friend said "Saw you wrote that book, not sharing with anyone, good for you". Period.
My successful friend is coming from a place of abundance and can live in the moment of gratitude with me...and the other is coming from a place of "lacking" and feels angry over my success, as it's only reminding her of her daily lack of fulfillment. Nothing good will come from making people feel less than, on your end. So you're doing yourself a favor by dropping the negative dead weight!
3. You won't be living in the state of constant gratitude that is required to maintain success IF you do not surround yourself with people you can be grateful around.
Gratitude is the attitude that brings about success. I say it all of the time. Those who say "thank you" have the most to say "thank you" for. It is a FACT in life. Gratitude is what brings about success.
BUT you don't say "thank you" as much as you should when you're not surrounding yourself with people you feel are happy for you. That's just human nature.
MUCH LIKE if you were physically whole and healthy, and in absolute perfect physical condition,...you would NOT brag about, praise constantly, or perhaps even discuss, your current physically awesome, healthy state of being around someone that has cancer, or extremely sick.
You wouldn't say to someone that's sick and dying, "OMG I FEEL SO AMAZINGLY AWESOME TODAY". In fact, the idea of it sounds horrific and MEAN. Think about this. THIS is how you are emotionally too when it comes to success.
We don't praise and say "thank you" and discuss our successes as much (if at all) around those that we know aren't sharing in our good fortune! YET saying "thank you" and "praising" is how we maintain it.
This is a case of "it's not you, it's them". You're just trying to be "considerate" but your consideration in this area will only hurt you more! Drop the negative, dead weight and move on!
4. In order to do something you've never done, you have to become someone you've never been.
Those are Les Brown's words, not mine! I say this all of the time, it's one of the quotes that keeps me strong. In order to be a writer, I must stop caring about what people think about me. In order to be a public speaker I must put myself out there more. In order to be an excellent social media consultant I have to be brutally honest with my business owners I'm working with.
Think about something you want to do in life and realize right now in this very moment that you cannot do it by doing what you've always been doing! In order to do something that you have never done before, you have to become someone you've never been before!
Successful people ALL recognize this CHANGE in you that MUST TAKE PLACE, and unsuccessful people do not! In fact, your unsuccessful friends will begrudge the "change" in you. They will say things to you like "you're not the person you used to be"...they will judge you for changing, not welcome it.
Successful people ALL KNOW that "this change" is a phenomenon that MUST happen within us all! ....Yes there is an obvious change that comes about.
I have personal close friends of mine that, during my change, would say "I know you, you're not capable of this, or you're not the person that can do these things". I would say back to them "I don't accept that, nor do I care for your opinion of me".
UNSUCCESSFUL PEOPLE will begrudge the morphing and changing and growing that MUST happen within you! Successful people will simply recognize that it is happening and congratulate you and be "strong" for you during this time.
5. Wanting to be successful in life yet refusing to get rid of your negative friends is like a butterfly shedding it's old skin but still choosing to walk among the trapped and caccooned; instead of flying and discovering the world you were meant to live in.
For no other reason other than insecurity and comfort, you are simply choosing to stay among the "un-living". Your old friends, as negative as they may be, at least "know you". I get it. Bad love is better than no love?
WRONG. You can't "grow" and be comfortable at the same time. It's just a fact of life. Part of growing pains is getting rid of the old and making room for the new.
You only have a certain amount of room in your life. Consider this fact and consider whom you're letting occupy your room. If your house is crowded with negative people TRUST ME WHEN I TELL YOU the positive people walking by see this and assume (a) you're one of them and (b) have no room for them.
Surround yourself with what you want, and you WILL attract it in your own life. It is a fact! You want success, have successful friends. You want to be a happy couple, have happy couple friends. Want to be healthy, surround yourself with healthy people.
This is one of the biggest mistakes people make once their diagnosed with a disease...they suddenly start surrounding themselves with others that are diagnosed with diseases and then wonder why they're falling deeper into a "negative funk". It's a force field. You want to be healthy, surround yourself with healthiness NOT unhealthiness. But you'd rather stay funky and be around other people that are as unhappy as you are so you can justify your negativity. What's the point?
YOU MUST get rid of your negative friends just so you can make room for your positive ones.
Bottom line: Negative people hold you back. You may not even realize this because you think you're above the it all, but you are not. It's time for the purge to happen. It's time for you to go through your life (INCLUDING Facebook) and delete ALL of those friends that you know would NOT be happy for you if you won the lottery tomorrow. Delete all of those friends that refuse to acknowledge your success. Delete all of those friends that you know aren't truly in your corner when it comes to your ultimate success.
Get rid of them all. IF and when they ever find their own happiness, you will be the first person they find.
You know how you can tell whether or not you're a positive or negative person? ONE QUICK RULE. Do people call you with their praise reports or their complaints and gripes in life?
IF you're the person people call when they're happy and great things are happening, this means they see you as a happy, successful person. If you're the one they call when things suck and they're pissed off, this means they see you as angry and negative! Period! It's that simple!
In order to be happy and successful you must surround yourself with people that are also happy and successful. There is no other option! You will NEVER see unequally matched partners in this area have a sustaining relationship....in life or in business. It just doesn't work.
You want happy? BE HAPPY, be around happy. You want success? BE success driven and surround yourself around other successful people.
People pull you up or bring you down. There is no other option!
Love this blog? Share it!
NO GAY PEOPLE, NO FAT PEOPLE, NO TATTOOS, NO DIVORCED MOMS AND DADS and NOOO INTERRACIAL COUPLES.... what's next Arizona? Something to consider, by Kristy Sinsara
Unless you live under a rock or fail to read or watch the news you've probably heard by now that the Arizona legislatures passed a law last Thursday allowing business owners to discriminate against gay and lesbians, as long as the discrimination is based on their religious ideologies.
To be honest with you, when I first heard about this story I didn't really care. I have always just had this idea that we're all different and we all see life through our own filtered experiences and "to each his own". My family personally purposefully lives in a state where people are more collectively open-minded, compassionate and understanding. That's what we choose for our family. It's a choice for everyone.
And let's be honest, independent "states rights" has been an issue since our civil war. If you don't like your state than move.
Admittedly, the only squeamish moment I had was a selfish personal realization that Tucson is where one of our favorite family resorts is located, and we take our kids there once a year for a mini vacation. Oh well, trip cancelled, plenty of other places to visit outside of Arizona.
But the more I started reading about it and thinking about it the more I started realizing how much bigger of a problem this is than what it seems.
We can fight on the issue of being gay all day, but that's truly secondary to the real issue of what's happening here.
The issue is that if we're going to allow the separation of Church and State to be thrown out of the window for certain "intolerances" then does it stand to reason that the discrimination that's being allowed will go beyond the gay and lesbian community? Intolerance is intolerance. I am truly afraid of religious zealots that are given permission to use the Bible as a platform for hate.
As a Christian, I would be offended by this message of intolerance and lack of true understanding of God's word. But as a kind and compassionate human being I'm far more concerned with the repercussions this may have in the long run on other groups out there.
Let's be honest here for arguments sake. There are far more verses in the Bible warning against gluttony! In fact GLUTTONY is one of the seven deadly sins. Is it okay then to have a sign in the window that says "no fat people allowed"? What's next?
There are far more verses in the bible against divorce than homosexuality. Are we okay to assume that the next line of discrimination will be against single moms and dads too? Are we considering what's next? Or how about the fact that the Bible is also against tattoos? Will there soon be signs that say "have a tat, don't bother coming inside". What's next? Or more closely related the bible speaks vehemently against interracial marriage. So if a black man and a white woman and their beautiful mixed children walk into the establishment the owner can say "get the hell out of here, MY GOD doesn't like you"? Is this okay? And will ALL of these things be supported by the Arizona government? Where will this discrimination end? WHAT IS NEXT???? THIS is what we should be asking ourselves!
Our level of intolerance is reaching a level of intolerance in itself.
I've said it before and I'll continue to say it. I find the fight for gay rights amusing in that it is resembling the exact same arguments for and against civil rights in America for Black Americans. The red states are fighting hard against recognizing their most basic civil rights and when forced to do so by the Federal Government they are coming up with something that parallels a "separate but equal" clause.
Listen to me. This is only a matter of history. If you're on the wrong side of history than congratulations, you'll get to tell your grandkids someday you fought hard against equality and love.
In the meantime, to the owner of the pizzeria that wants to spread more distention and hate in an already divided world...you're not even being unique with your judgment. You're not the first to use your religion to hide behind your racism, bigotry and fears and unfortunately you won't be the last.
But what we can all be thankful for collectively is that you're having to use these extreme measures to try and get attention because people like you are a dying breed. Scream and yell and kick all the way down...your hate will not win this war.
It's okay that your religion disagrees with the fact that I'm married to a woman. My religion disagrees with the fact that you're so judgmental, to each his own. Your religion justifies your judgment, mine calls it "wrong". You're raising your kids to "be aware" of families like mine? Trust me, we're warning our children about people like you too, every single day.
When your kids grow up, our kids will teach them about what true love, acceptance and compassion looks like because that's what we're actually TEACHING our kids.
In the meantime, you just keep preaching, thankfully the world is growing tired of your small minded views!
Love this blog? Share it on Facebook or Twitter please ;)
STOP WASTING YOUR TIME ON THE WRONG PERSON ...how long can you wait for never? A blog for all daters...by Kristy Sinsara
You've probably known all along that "this" isn't "the person" for you...but your desire to not be alone overrides your desire to be realistic, more often than not, and here you are in the exact same boat again.
You know, in your heart, that this is not going to work out in the long run but it's okay for now, isn't it???
The truth is that I spent years making excuses for people, including myself, when I knew I was getting into relationships with people I shouldn't. I had an uncanny ability to ignore major red flags and dismiss the 98% of things that weren't compatible. 2% of HOPE weighs more than 98% of FEAR. That's what I learned when I was single.
Often in life our "wants" masquerade as "needs" and we feel like we can't live without certain things..and THAT feeling causes us to feel "stuck"....and then we play the "at least" game. "At least I have someone to come home to", "at least I'm not lonely", "at least they do this or that", blah blah blah.
The truth is that every single day that you're with the wrong person is just another day you're NOT with the RIGHT PERSON!
I look back and realize how many wasted years I spent on trying to make it work with the wrong people and all along I could have just been focused on ME and working on ME! It sucks that when I finally met "my person" I wasn't ready for it completely because I had wasted so much valuable time on others.
Imagine your "person" you want to meet in your head. Does your life look like you want it to look if you were to meet them today? DO YOU look like you want to look? Are you the person you want to be?
Stop making excuses and stop wasting time. This is YOUR TIME you should be completely and solely focused on you and only you!
So stop making lists of "why's" and "why not's". Stop making a list of reasons to leave or stay. If you're making a list at all the truth is that you already know the answer! BUT again, 2% of hope weighs more than 98% of fear...at least they're "SOME"ONE, even if not "THE ONE".
You need permission? You need a sign from God? Well here...there are NO COINCIDENCES IN THIS LIFE...the fact that you're reading this is odd enough isn't it? I mean I'm a random blogger that lives in the Pacific Northwest...and you're you...living wherever you live and we will probably never meet but here you are reading these words I'm writing (for a reason)!
I give you permission, I'm telling you to walk away and go work on you! Make this a pivotal moment in your life where you read some random blog and it just "hit you" and you changed your life forever!
Don't waste anymore time on the wrong person...the right person is out there...waiting! How on earth would they even recognize you if you're stuck behind someone else? Go get'um tiger ;)
LOVE THIS BLOG? Share it on Facebook or Twitter.
The idea of dating sounds so fun to most married people. Most of us have this fantasy idea that you're out living this carefree, obligation free, duty free, responsibility free, super fun life...meeting new people here and there and just jet setting around the world, going from one wild and fun adventure to the next.
We all know that's rarely (if ever) the case. Just like all of you single people imagine that being married is going to look like your favorite romance movie. Ya...okay...let me know how that works out for ya. Blah Blah Blah, perhaps we're all just a little nuts.
We have a lot of single friends and listen to their dating stories ALL of the time. I told one friend, that finds most of her dates on match.com, that she needs to start a dating blog and write about all of her experiences. Her stories are freaking hilarious....like slap your knee, laugh out loud, jaw dropping comedy!
Anytime she goes out with someone from "Match" I demand that she tells me all of the juicy details...it's always pure comedy. One guy asked if they could split the check, and then asked if she could front him his half of the bill lolol (omg). One guy asked in the middle of dinner if he would be getting laid later? One guy started crying.
But then on the flip side, even though she's super fun, really pretty and very financially stable...she's NEEDY and comes across needy on every date and men pick up on this immediately...and always get scared away. I tell her all of the time she has to hide her "crazy" until at least date 5, lol but she can't resist.
She just that cra cra lol
WHICH LEADS TO THE PURPOSE OF THIS BLOG: VERY FEW PEOPLE KNOW HOW TO DATE.
I didn't get married until I was 34 so I got the single thing down and the dating scene figured out. Here's some tips for ya that I learned along the way!
1. If you're feeling desperate to get married (or settle down), you're a bad dater!
This was me at first. I wanted to settle down so bad that I was constantly trying to fit square pegs into round holes. I had an uncanny ability to disregard people's weirdness, or our extreme differences, and dismiss the idea that 98% of things didn't fit...that 2% was enough for me because the end all goal was just "being with someone".
The problem with this is that it causes many wasted months or years on the wrong person. The truth is that every day you spend with the wrong person is just one more day you won't be spending with the right one.
If your end goal is marriage, you're probably doing what I did and trying to push things to fit. Listen to me, when it fits, it fits! If it works, it works naturally. There is a level of things just "falling into place" that happens when you have found "your person".
Desperate people do desperate things. You cannot be dating and feel desperate, it only leads to bad decisions!
We often see people for who we want them to be and not for who they are. Be honest with yourself.
2. If you don't know how to turn people down correctly, you're a bad dater.
If you don't know how to be honest with a stranger, you probably don't know how to be honest with yourself and therefore incapable of being honest with your future spouse and ultimately not ready for marriage anyways.
Stop putting up with shit RIGHT NOW. If I were on a date (like my friend) and some dude asked me if I could "cover his bill", I would instantly walk over to the waitress, pay for my half and leave! If I were on a date and some guy asked "whens the sex"....answer is a resounding NEVER, walk away.
Someone told me that during dinner her date asked her if she wanted to go back to his apartment and play video games? WTH. They're both in their 40's.
See, this is the problem. The answer to this is "you can't be serious, you're in your 40's and you think a way to "court me" is through video games? That alone tells me everything I need to know about you". WALK AWAY.
Women and men both need to learn how to instantly recognize when someone ISN'T for them and learn to be honest and walk away. NOT MEAN, just honest!
But my friend didn't want to seem like "she wasn't fun, so she did...and it was childish, boring and awkward". She had to lie about a friend "needing her all of the sudden" to get our of there. Listen to me, it's okay to seem "not fun" if what you're doing isn't fun! Don't be bullied on a date into doing something you don't want to do. Be honest.
"Honestly, I'm not totally into video games, that's cool that you are, I'm going to go ahead and go home." That's your response. It's decisive and tells someone "I know what I want in life...and...THIS isn't it".
3. If you talk about any of your exes on your first date, you're a bad dater (and probably not ready to be dating at all).
It's okay to talk about your dating experiences if they're funny stories but talking about long term relationship exes and sharing passionate anger or sadness is weird and awkward and "please stop talking".
If you're on date 1-3 and anyone brings up an ex more than once, LEAVE! They're not ready to be dating you, you're the rebound, they're just trying to clear their mind and using you as the pawn to do it.
Walk away! Don't waste another second of your life!
4. If you're holding out for that "perfect" person and you're not "perfect" yourself, you're a bad dater (and a little nuts).
You attract who you are and what you have to offer.
It's so funny to me how all of these ditzy, dingy women wish they had some handsome, wildly successful, intelligent, cultivated man to share their lives with. You're going to get back something that's tantamount to who you are or what you have to offer, period! There's rarely exceptions to this rule!
Men that are successful but dumb, want women that are submissive and uneducated. Men that are wildly successful in their own right, cultivated and intelligent are looking for their equal match.
Not all successful people demand to be with someone else that's equally successful, that's not what I'm saying, I'm saying you still have something equally valuable to bring to the table! He's a CEO and you're a gorgeous woman that knows how to have and raise kids, keep a house in order and manage a family, those are ALL equal jobs!
She owns her own successful business and, sure, you don't BUT you're financially stable, maybe own your own home (or at least have one that you keep clean), have stable friends and a stable job and life and like to bring out the fun in people....she will appreciate the value you bring into the relationship.
My wife is as equally stable as I am fun. We have very little traits that are exactly alike but we are evenly matched up in all ways.
Listen to me women: A good man is looking to see what you have to bring to the table...it doesn't have to be matched by his abilities, talents or successes, it just needs to be equally valuable!
The moral to the story is that you should BE who you want to BE WITH!
You can't be out of shape and lazy and expect to attract some totally healthy, gorgeous man. If he clearly cares about how he looks, he cares about how you look too.
You don't have to be college educated but you can't be stupid and uninformed in the world and expect to attract some Rhodes scholar, not going to happen, ever!
You can't be needy and expect to attract someone that's stable.
You can't be angry and expect to attract someone that's peaceful and happy.
You can't be mentally unstable and emotionally wrecked and expect to attract someone that's calm, collected and well put together.
Shall I go on...? You get it right?
5. If you're having sex before monogamy, you're a bad dater!
Let's be honest, most men are just looking for any ole garage to park their cars in. If you're a woman and you just met the man of your dreams and you think that "giving it up for him" is what's going to keep him, YOU COULDN'T BE ANY FARTHER FROM THE TRUTH.
Men aren't looking to marry their whores. Sounds harsh, I know, but it's true. They're looking for someone that challenges them. THEY ARE ALL HUNTERS! There are very few exceptions to this rule! MEN. ARE. HUNTERS.
It's also the crux of our book that's coming out this summer, "How To Catch and Keep A Worthy Man".
Yes, they'll rarely (if ever) dismiss your sexual advances but the minute you give it up, they've conquered you! And if they've conquered you without so much as the slightest challenge...."NEXT NEXT NEXT" is what they're thinking!
I sat at a bar once and heard this chick say "I don't know what his problem is, he calls me and wants me to come over for sex and I do, every time. I even do his laundry afterwards for him and clean his house and he will NOT commit to me".
OMG OMG OMG Do you really think it makes him like you more that you dropped everything for sex with him? NO, it makes him USE YOU MORE, NOT LIKE YOU MORE...know the difference.
The woman that this man ends up marrying will be the first woman that says "you can't be serious...after your laundry is done and your house is clean call me, I'll think about it then". THIS woman is the challenge he is looking for.
SO you have to decide are you going to be the sex slave or the respected wife? Truly the decision is ALL yours!
On the flip side, most women are also looking for a challenge to now. It's one of the things that made me fall madly in love with my spouse. It was one of the biggest challenges of my life. Truly only crazy needy people are looking for someone to instantly drool all over them, all day every day. Are you crazy?
Loneliness is a strong feeling...but you know what a stronger feeling is? REGRET!
The truth is that the people that have the most successful relationships are the people that ended up finding each other when they least expected it. That's ultimately what ended up happening to me.
I finally said "I'm sick of dating and I'm going to focus on me and only me". And I did just that, and worked on my career, traveled with friends, felt happy to be single...and then in the middle of all of that wholeness and happiness and fun; I met my wife!
Take a quick inventory of your life right now; are you truly ready to meet your spouse right now?
JUST THINK ABOUT THAT. If your "person" that's out there waiting for you, walked into your life today, would you be embarrassed, (wishing you had worked on yourself and your life a little more) or would be happy and ready for love?
Not being ready to meet your spouse is often times what leads to separation and divorce even if you DO end up meeting them. They won't make you whole, they'll fill the void of loneliness but they won't make you any happier than you're capable of on your own.
One day, you're going to be at a dinner party and a friend of a friends will be invited, someone you've never heard of or knew of before, and you two will catch eyes, lock into each other's radars and you'll know in a moment's notice that THERE is your person. There they are...
BE READY for this moment. Don't PUSH it, don't force it, don't pretend it's happening when it's not. Don't act desperate for it, don't be fixated on it. Just know it's going to happen and in the meantime, it's ALL ABOUT YOU!
LOVE THIS ARTICLE? SHARE IT ON FACEBOOK and TWITTER!
By the way, I just saw this guy on TV discussing sex and women -
He's with a sex/dating therapist on Bravo TV talking about women.
5 second explanation of how MOST men feel. He is the RULE here ladies!!
He admits he would NOT marry a woman that gave him sex on the first 1-6 dates BUT he's still always going to try and push for it! Now that, is honesty!
I'm not going to lie, sometimes I scroll through my newsfeed on Facebook and an overwhelming desire to be honest with people overcomes me. When I see something ridiculous, ignorant or just plain stupid I actually sit there and weigh the pros and cons of telling someone the truth.
I really want to tell them how stupid they are but I fear their wrath or perhaps I want to be honest about an opinion but I don't really want to get into a full blown debate on the issue. I think I may spend more time considering what I may or may not do rather than doing anything at all. Am I alone with this? I have no clue.
My Facebook page is a microcosm of the United States as a whole. I have a lot of diverse friends so it causes a lot of randomness to pop up daily. It also causes a lot of arguing to take place. I can post the most benign statement and someone somewhere will argue against me. One time I posted that I was ready for winter to be over and people actually argued with me. How can you even argue how I feel about winter? And more importantly WHY would you?
Regardless, I have contemplated the things that ultimately makes me draw the conclusion that someone in certifiably nuts. So instead of having to tell anyone individually that I think they're crazy, maybe I'll get lucky and they'll just read this blog and come to the conclusion on their own.
How I know you're crazy...here's the top five things that jump out at me online.
1. When you bitch at random people...
An example of this is, earlier on my page I actually saw a post come across my newsfeed that said "stop reading my facebook you stupid bitch, no one gives a shit about your opinion". Um, heavy!
I don't actually know who this person is, much less to whom they're referencing. For the purposes of this blog, I decided to investigate and clicked on the post. Apparently they were fighting with one of their boyfriends exes. Classy!
When you berate people randomly, we not only think you're trashy, we also start to measure the depth of your craziness. Oh and for the record, I personally make a mental note to not engage with you ever. Please, STOP bitching at random people. Instead just do what we all do and delete and ban someone that makes you so angry you want to get all "white trash on their ass". Give it up. Delete, ban, grow up, move on. Publicly fighting with someone on Facebook just makes you look trashy. Seriously! There is NO exception to this, ever!
2. When you post physical wounds...
First of all, EW. Second, I'd like to be your friend that tells you on behalf of all of your other friends that we really truly do not give a shit about your inverted toe nail or your bruise or your bloody finger. I don't even want to elaborate. Just stop. It's gross. Seriously, unless you have a medical miracle that will blow our minds, please just stop being gross.
3. When you post every single mother freaking meal you make.
Seriously? And on top of letting us know what you ate for breakfast, lunch and dinner...you're not even making shit that's impressive. My 11 year old can make biscuits and gravy, a turkey sandwich and hamburger helper. Post shit that makes us wonder if you went to culinary school. You want to impress me? Post some recipe you found on Pinterest and then the final picture that looks JUST LIKE the picture you found. Now that shit is impressive!
However, posting random shit like nachos, when all you did is put Tostitos on a plate and spread grated cheese around and threw that shit in the microwave not only makes me realize how uncreative you are, it also makes me realize how bored you are. I mean at least put some shredded beef and jalapenos on there for me too. Actually scratch that. No one gives a shit. Moving on...
4. When you post half naked pictures of yourself.
For the love of God we get it. You lost 200 pounds, we're impressed. A few pictures in moderation to show off your new impressive body is awesome. Posting half naked pictures of yourself in different bikinis and laying around on your bed is only making me question what you do for a living.
No one actually believes you're suddenly a model. Come on now. Those aint modeling gigs you're Instagramming. And the hundreds of men that comment on those photos are all the same men that have had every STD under the sun. They never care where they park their cars...no matter how creepy the garage looks.
5. When you talk about how f*kn terrible, awful and what a lame ass shi*t head your ex is.
Listen we all have relationships we're glad to no longer be a part of. But when you verbally brutalize your ex publicly online we all really think that THEY'RE the ones that dodged the bullet, not you. When I see people just annihilating their exes I instantly put them in the crazy category. NO ONE sane would do this. NO ONE!
MORE IMPORTANTLY no one sane would blast their "current" spouses or partners either. Listen, I've gotten really pissed at my wife before....like REALLY pissed...and it never dawned on me to go to Facebook and tell anyone what a total douche bag she's being. NEVER ONCE did it cross my mind. Okay, it just did, just now, but that was it.
Plus, we don't care. No one, no matter how much they pretend, actually gives a shit. And we all just think you're white trash for wanting to air your marital problems in a public forum. Go read my Rules to Marriage. THAT'S NOT COOL anyways!
BOTTOM LINE...I know social media is fun. Hell, I blog about everything from politics to my marriage to the Pope to which way the toilet paper should be facing on the roll...but there are still rules that we all instinctually live by. Just be socially graceful. Incorporate some average social skills into your posts.
Stop posting that your day f*kn blows at 9am...we just assume your nuts. I mean hell, you've given up on your day before I've even had a chance to hit my "snooze" button. How about instead start talking about how maybe it started out "not so great" but you took the bull by the horns and steered that sucker in the right direction! Then we can all be proud to know you! Well...proud to "Facebook" know you anyways...
Leave the dialogue about that white trash ex of your exes in your head for your own voices to argue about. Leave a tiny bit of class on the social media table.
And here's the best tip of all....if you really want to post things that are inappropriate, do it through Pinterest posters. That way you didn't "really" say it, you're just "reposting" and then we dont' think you're trashy, we just think you're funny!
And that's how you get away with being trashy, wrong and totally inappropriate....through Pinterest, not Facebook ; 0.
I want to be your friend, truly, I do...I like that you're crazy...it adds a little spice to my life...but you got to check a "tad bit" of your "crazy" at the social media door, please!